Stepping into my authentic truth, now
I have been writing and performing my own music since my twenties. Why has it taken me until my forties to be able to stand in my truth and own it?
For decades I’ve been locked in a creative cage with psychological bars. A negative inner critic has convinced me I’m not good enough and prevented me from seeing myself as a legitimate artist.
But over the past year or so, having finished three years at university, my creative flow has returned and music has come back into focus. I’ve realised how much I miss nurturing this fundamental part of myself. I’ve remembered I love to sing. That I find healing, joy and clarity through my songwriting. I’ve noticed I’m more confident, having left uni with first-class graded knowledge of how our childhood experiences, relationships, families and societies shape our developing minds, and how this can impact upon our adult lives.
Also, having rediscovered my passion for reading and absorbing new information, but without the constraints of essay deadlines to meet, I’ve been inhaling books that help me think about how I feel about my life, my past, my present and my future. How I feel about the relationships I am in with my children, my love, my family, my friends and my wider community. What I want to do with my remaining years on this earth. What is truly important to me.
I’ve looked inside myself, analysed my strengths and my weaknesses and accepted them. Accepted that I am made of light and shadow and decided I do not hide my shadow side, for it is what makes me whole. Decided I can trust my shadow side, for it is balanced by my light. I find myself becoming freed from the shackles of subconsciously striving for perfection. Peeling away more protective barriers from around my heart. A constant work in progress, as I strive to be forever more conscious, mindful and authentic.
I’ve started to walk away from the things that no longer serve me, and made space for the things I love. Each step has required a deep breath and bravery… the willingness to share and risk failure or rejection. To dare to desire. They’ve begun to add up though and now I’ve achieved one of my main goals for this year – to release my new single ‘Can We Keep This’ on all the main music streaming sites.
This song represents the journey I have been on so far as a musician… it is one of the first songs I created in my twenties as a new and timid singer songwriter who couldn’t believe in herself, no matter what anyone said. I made the original version into an EP and uploaded to Spotify under my old artist name, but never promoted or shared it - never allowed myself to feel proud of it. My music got stuck for over a decade, because I was stuck, in a cage with psychological bars.
Now the song is reborn. It is strong and emotive, it peaks and troughs with flows of human energy shared between the expert musicians I was so lucky to record it with and who have added so much beauty and flow to the song; Dawn James, Sam Berry, Stefano Galarraga and Lara Agar.
How it is received, or what happens with it from here are almost not the point. I feel proud. I've created something new and shared it permanently out there in the big world, standing in my authentic self. Even if I couldn’t post this on social media, I would still be doing it!
With love xx